The President's Secret IMs
Wonderboy is obviously Rove, with the other guy being...Dubya (surprise!)
Chat with Wonderboy6:28 a.m.
Kickass43: red rovr red rovr I call karl ovr!!
Wonderboy: Thanks for unblocking my screen name, Mr. President.Wonderboy: It's great to be chatting with you again.
Kickass43: gd 2 hav u bak on tha a team budKickass43: tho these days its more tha c teamKickass43: mayb evn tha zzzzz team
Wonderboy: I'm all too aware of that, sir.Wonderboy: It's been frustrating for me not to be of more help.Wonderboy: But those days are now behind us.Wonderboy: I'm proud to be back in the saddle again.
Kickass43: scootys takin tha hit 4 dat plame chik
Wonderboy: Of course we'll stick by our friends.
Wonderboy: But it's important that nothing else distracts us in the run-up to 06.Wonderboy: We've gotta lot of work to do.
Kickass43: duhKickass43: uv bin in tha time capshul not me
Kickass43: no offens bud but wile uv bin yakkin up lawyrs...
Kickass43: & rearranjin ur dsk...
Kickass43: ive bin takin it bad out here
Kickass43: lemme tell u...
Kickass43: boltass & tony aint helpin
Kickass43: im reelin...
Kickass43: faces swolln...
Kickass43: blood porin outta my mouth...
Kickass43: im like: cut tha i! cut tha i!
Kickass43: theyr like: hmmm
Kickass43: mayb we shud chanj ur shorts
Kickass43: not likin tha color
Kickass43: shudda gon wit red
Kickass43: looks bttr on tv
Wonderboy: So let's get back on track.
Wonderboy: Cut the eye.
Wonderboy: Do what we gotta do.
Wonderboy: If we lose 06 it won't be your staff who'll get the blame.
Wonderboy: * your *
Wonderboy: legacy is at stake here.
Kickass43: so wats tha plan?????
Wonderboy: Let me pull up some notes I've been keeping...
Wonderboy: oops not those notes...
Wonderboy: thought THOSE had been shredded...
Wonderboy: give me a sec...
Kickass43: u want me 2 play tha jepordy musik or wat
Kickass43: don't hav alotta time karl
Kickass43: securty briefin comin up @ 7
Wonderboy: I'm very sorry sir...
Wonderboy: don't have the file space I used to have...
Wonderboy: not since Josh moved me to this new space...
Wonderboy: he took out the brooms and buckets but the hooks are still here...
Wonderboy: it's a little tight...
Wonderboy: ok here are the notes
Wonderboy: ive put them in memo form
Wonderboy: I'll shoot you a copy via email
Wonderboy: (lets keep this to ourselves for now, i.e. DON'T FORWARD)
Wonderboy: working title is "The Looming Democratic Nightmare"
Kickass43: thot 06 wuz r loomin frikkin nitemare
Wonderboy: but it won't be if we can make the base understand...
Wonderboy: the disaster for the country...
Wonderboy: if the dems take back the house
Wonderboy: in short: it's scare time
Kickass43: dats not wat tone or boltass sez
Kickass43: "don't 4get compashun"
Kickass43: so like wit immigrashun
Kickass43: we gotta b tuff BUT "frendly" 2 r illegl amigos
Kickass43: send blak hawk chopprs 2 patrol tha brdrs BUT...
Kickass43: drop watr bttls not boms
Wonderboy: Sure that would work...
Wonderboy: if our base lived in Malibu...
Wonderboy: & were the types who brought daily starbucks to our illegal amigos...
Wonderboy: who hang around the tax-payer subsidized ...
Wonderboy: illegal employment/daycare/walk-in health care/spa & yoga centers
Wonderboy: but it aint gonna fly anywhere else, sir.
Kickass43: so wat u sayin bud?
Wonderboy: It's all laid out in the memo, sir...
Wonderboy: but the thrust is this:
Wonderboy: [cut to b&w attack ad--a worried woman's voice-over]Wonderboy: "Do we really want a country...
Wonderboy: "in which our critical intelligence is in the hands of...Wonderboy: Alcee Hastings?"
Wonderboy: He's the former judge from Florida who was impeached for taking bribes. For reasons known only to those whacky Florida voters he was elected to Congress...
Wonderboy: ...and is in line to be the next head of the intelligence committee if the dems win.
Kickass43: no way
Wonderboy: Way, sir.
Kickass43: dats nuts!
Wonderboy: It gets scarier...
Wonderboy: [back to attack ad]
Wonderboy: "Do we really want a country...
Wonderboy: "in which the Patriot Act and other critical legal tools for fighting terrorism...
Wonderboy: "are in the hands of John Conyers?"
Kickass43: tha x commie??!!
Wonderboy: That's strong, sir.
Wonderboy: "Far left radical" is more accurate.
Wonderboy: But yes: Conyers is the likely candidate to head the Justice Committee.
Wonderboy: There's more.
Wonderboy: Imagine this:
Wonderboy: "The Honorable Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House."
Kickass43: KSD9031DGH JFSUIWEOJ SFNKSDJK JGFKLKLBDF
Wonderboy: Something is wrong with your text function, sir.
Kickass43: dat wuz my hed hittin tha kbord
Wonderboy: I know.
Wonderboy: Can't you see it?!
Wonderboy: "Shall I perform this gay marriage personally...
Wonderboy: or let the House chaplain do it?"
Kickass43: we hav 2 stop dis!!!!
Wonderboy: And we will.
Wonderboy: But our success will depend on one thing and one thing only.
Wonderboy: We gotta let "kickass" be "kickass" again.
Wonderboy: It's time to let you out of the ring, sir.
Wonderboy: Bring back the cowboy.
Wonderboy: The timing couldn't be more perfect,
Wonderboy: We're coming up to ranch season again.
Wonderboy: Let's see you cut brush with your teeth and bare hands.
Wonderboy: Throw away the saw.
Kickass43: ur jokin rite
Wonderboy: Just about the teeth and bare hands.
Wonderboy: Seriously, Mr. President.
Wonderboy: They've turned you into a housecat.
Wonderboy: Quivering before Iran.
Wonderboy: Apologizing about Iraq.
Wonderboy: Caving in to the illegals.
Wonderboy: Have we still got Zarqawi's head?
Wonderboy: Let's throw it up on a spike on the White House gates!
Kickass43: NOW ur jokin
Wonderboy: Yes, that time I was joking.
Wonderboy: Wouldn't want to alienate Karen's beloved soccer moms.
Kickass43: y don't we pack it up & send it 2 r bud mahmood in iran
Kickass43: "how u like dis * insentiv pkg * u asswipe?
Wonderboy: I like it, sir.
Wonderboy: Very Roman.
Wonderboy: That's the kickass we need now.
Wonderboy: Check out the memo.
Wonderboy: I've made some other suggestions.
Wonderboy: For starters: land mines along the Mexican border.
Wonderboy: Another thing: Let's hold some hearings of energy execs.
Wonderboy: Let THEM defend the gas prices.
Wonderboy: Not seriously, sir!
Wonderboy: I said "hearings."
Wonderboy: Not "trials."
Wonderboy: Why should YOU be blamed for their $400 million retirement packages...
Wonderboy: and multi-billion profits?
Wonderboy: Hearings would switch the blame to the oil companies...
Wonderboy: without you actually having to do anything.
Wonderboy: (except maybe issuing a 500-page "report"sometime late in 07)
Wonderboy: Rows of oil guys taking the oath...
Wonderboy: That's at least a five point jump in the polls.
Kickass43: rover ive gotta git 2 my briefin
Kickass43: its nerly 7
Kickass43: but lemme say jus1 thing
Wonderboy: Sure, sir.
Wonderboy: What is it?
Kickass43: MISSD u bud
Kickass43: glad ur bak
Wonderboy: I've missed you too, Mr. President.
Kickass43 has left the chat.